The Salt Exchange

We found this hilarious edition of the tongue-in-cheek advice column "Sedariatives" in an old issue of The Believer (Mark/April, 2009). This particular column is guest-written by standup comedian Patton Oswalt (pictured below) and we had to share. We think that Joe Appel (of Rosemont Markets and The Press Herald's Appel on Wine) will especially appreciate this:

Dear Sedaratives,

There's a nice, small, family run grocery store on my block. Recently I've been reading about the upsides of feeding your dog real food, not the cardboard that passes for 'dog food.' Anyway, I fed him some carrots and beef from this grocery store and now my dog is dead. Do you think I could sue the grocery store, and is it possible to sue for a new dog?

Warm regards,
James David Lighton

---

Dear Mr. Lighton,

"Carrots and beef"? I'm going to assume you served your dog sliced carrots and some sort of ground beef, possibly chuck. Quaint, tasty, and simple, yes? It's clear your dog died not from any food-borne illness but from mortification. Any pairing of a root vegetable with "upper-half" meats (chuck, rib, short loin, the three sirloins and round) should also include a dark, bitter vegetable to counteract the intensity of the beef and the sweet/starchy quality of the vegetable. When your dog realized he was forever shackled to such a culinary philistine, he surely willed his bodily functions to cease.

I shudder to think of your idea of a wine pairing. The poor mut probably died with the sad tang of an overpriced Nebbiolo on his tongue.

Patton

(Photo Credit: LullaByes)

Just a nice little list of updates (get ready for a handful of exclamation points):

 For your reading and web-browsing pleasure:

• Tatum was on Good Day Maine discussing being a bartender in Portland, and her part in Portland Monthly's Portland Bartender issue. And in case you needed another reason to pick up said issue, our very own Ben Row is also featured for his acting skills. We've got a talented bunch over here.
• We just read this from the folks at Eat Maine / Maine Magazine (on their Facebook Page): The Eat Maine Guide was printed and delivered to the offices of Maine Magazine. It's amazing and we would NOT nor could NOT have done it without you. Magazine subscribers: yours will be mailed. Fans: if you don't subscribe you can buy a copy before it gets shipped. Get yours for just $5.95 -- be the first kid on the block to have one.
• The ever-excellent Joe Appel writes about enjoying red wine in the summer.
• Meredith Goad tastes some of the best ice cream in Southern Maine.
• Publications are still taking a really close look at the President Obama's trip to Maine. Take a look at the Detroit Free Press' piece on the Bar Harbor trip.
• The Forecaster discusses preparing a barbecue feast.
• Don't forget that the Festival of Nations is coming up this weekend. The Press Herald previews it here.
• Many congratulations are due to Cheryl Dixon: "Congratulations to Cheryl Dixon for winning a national award of excellence for her work as the food service manager at Kittery’s Horace Mitchell Primary School! In addition to teaching good nutrition and promoting healthy eating habits, Dixon’s award-winning program includes a Farm to School initiative to provide schools with farm fresh foods, and a third component on composting and recycling." Keep up the great work!
• We are hosting a Cruzan Rum Tasting event on Wednesday evening. You can learn more about it here. Also, did you know that some folks just sort of sit around and edit movie scenes into dance remixes? Fortunately, someone has made one featuring Jack Sparrow asking, "Why is the rum gone?" Go ahead and throw away a couple of your hard-earned life minutes.

For your reading and web-browsing pleasure:

• Joe Appel, Rosemont Market superstar and all-around good guy, has begun writing about wine for the Portland Press Herald. In his words, he's "the new wine-talking guy."  He introduces himself here. 
• Further in Portland Press Herald reading, Anne Mahale meditates on grilling, timing, and knowing when to strike (as it were). More here.
• Downeast has offered suggestions on the tastiest things to eat in Maine. Fortunately Best Beach Bite - some of the best french (er… Pier) fries in the state - made the list.
• Just a reminder that MOFGA makes it super-easy to find local food, farms, and CSAs in your area.  (And speaking of local food, Jonah Fertig, An Owner at Local Sprouts Cafe Cooperative, is featured in the Meet Your Neighbor section of the Munjoy Hill News
• We are proud to be a participating restaurant in Share Our Strength's Taste of the Nation: Portland, Maine. The event will occur on the 27th of this month, and you can learn more about it here.
• And finally… It's Martha's birthday tomorrow, and it may or may not be true that she is a Sephora fiend. Just saying.