The Salt Exchange

We found this hilarious edition of the tongue-in-cheek advice column "Sedariatives" in an old issue of The Believer (Mark/April, 2009). This particular column is guest-written by standup comedian Patton Oswalt (pictured below) and we had to share. We think that Joe Appel (of Rosemont Markets and The Press Herald's Appel on Wine) will especially appreciate this:

Dear Sedaratives,

There's a nice, small, family run grocery store on my block. Recently I've been reading about the upsides of feeding your dog real food, not the cardboard that passes for 'dog food.' Anyway, I fed him some carrots and beef from this grocery store and now my dog is dead. Do you think I could sue the grocery store, and is it possible to sue for a new dog?

Warm regards,
James David Lighton

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Dear Mr. Lighton,

"Carrots and beef"? I'm going to assume you served your dog sliced carrots and some sort of ground beef, possibly chuck. Quaint, tasty, and simple, yes? It's clear your dog died not from any food-borne illness but from mortification. Any pairing of a root vegetable with "upper-half" meats (chuck, rib, short loin, the three sirloins and round) should also include a dark, bitter vegetable to counteract the intensity of the beef and the sweet/starchy quality of the vegetable. When your dog realized he was forever shackled to such a culinary philistine, he surely willed his bodily functions to cease.

I shudder to think of your idea of a wine pairing. The poor mut probably died with the sad tang of an overpriced Nebbiolo on his tongue.

Patton

(Photo Credit: LullaByes)